I was a hard-core people pleaser. I loved to be busy, I loved recognition, and I loved to help others. It was a deadly combination for a large part of my life. I was all things to all people…except to myself.
Flash forward: I’m still usually pretty busy and I still love helping others, but I’ve made some significant changes. To start making changes, I had to stop doing some things. Which meant I had to learn that I did have choices (even when it seemed like I didn’t) and I had to learn to say no. Here is how I got ok with it.
- Start small. Decline something that isn’t high stakes or offer an alternative to ease into backing away. Asked to volunteer at an event? Say no but ask to be contacted about the next one, offer to donate a needed item or do something in advance on your own time that is needed.
- Remember you don’t need to explain. This one was a killer for me.
Here’s how things used to go for me:
Person 1: Hi, we need people to volunteer for a shift at the book sale. Can I sign you up?
Me (Knowing I have a work trip the day after and have a million things going on): Uh….listen, now’s a horrible time, I have a trip the next day, the dog is sick and the kids have a million activities. I would love to but it will be really hard and I’m really sorry and I know you need people and I feel terrible and…
Sound familiar? You may have heard that no is a complete sentence and ultimately, it’s true. However, what I employ now are simple phrases that work just as well. “Unfortunately, that’s not going to work for me right now” or “Unfortunately, that’s not something I can commit to right now” or “I have a conflict but maybe it will work for a future___”.
The level of explanation you give will depend on what it is and your relationship with the asker. And there may be times where you want to propose an alternative. But that’s all for you to decide
- Practice makes perfect I’m not gonna lie – the first few times were a hot mess. And in some cases, I even relented and reluctantly agreed. The more you do it, the better you get at it. As you get more clarity on how you are choosing to spend your precious time, you get more confident in saying no.
One last thing: You won’t always get a great reaction so before tackling the really hard stuff ( think work and close family), you need to have a good understanding of where your values and boundaries lie.
If you want help in your journey to balance, I’d love to chat. Set up a free intro call today!
